You and your partner want to try a new kink: Bondage/Domination/SadoMasochism, or BDSM for short. It is an exciting world of role-playing. Exploring new sensations of pleasure and pain, and experiencing the mental satisfaction of control and surrender. However, it can be intense and even dangerous if not embarked upon carefully. Seasoned devotees understand the rules, but newbies need to be especially cognizant of consent, safety, and protocol. Here is a list of Dos and Don’ts that will make your play safer and more enjoyable for both the dominant (dom) and submissive (sub) partners.

DO: Make bondage escapable.

bondage-escapable

“Inescapable” bondage is fine for porno movies with a dozen people on set to render assistance. However, if you are just with your partner in the privacy of your home, that should not be the case. In the event of something serious and unexpected happening, the restraints should be able to be slipped or collapsed, or the sub should be able to actually reach the releases. If a dom should have a heart attack, stroke, or seizure, and the sub can’t call for help or provide assistance, or if a candle should start an unexpected blaze, tragedy could ensue.

DON’T: Ignore your sub’s concerns.

Above all, the dom/sub relationship is one of trust. A sub must feel that he or she is ultimately being cared for by the dom. No matter how rough the actual play. As Madonna once put it, “It’s letting someone hurt you that you know would never hurt you.” If all you want to do is go to town on someone without worrying whether they are getting hurt, buy a doll. Otherwise, make sure your sub is comfortable with every aspect of play; if your sub is new to BDSM or is a new partner for you, advance very slowly and test boundaries cautiously. Communication is paramount.

DO: Have a “safe word”

A safe word that the sub can call out to alert the dom that the sub is feeling overwhelmed, either physically or emotionally, and that all activity needs to stop until the sub confirms that he or she feels okay to continue or needs the session to end. This is a special word that is unlikely to be used during normal BDSM activities; because some partners enjoy when the sub role-plays unwillingness, which may include shouting, “No! Stop!” and other such things, the safe word should be something odd, like ‘blueberry’. If the sub is gagged or otherwise unable to speak clearly, there should be a “safe sound”–three short grunts is typical–or a “safe gesture”.

DON’T: Cause actual damage.

A bruise or a welt here and there is not necessarily cause for alarm; those heal. But there are more dangers afoot than you may realize: Anal penetration that is too rough or hurried can not only cause too much pain for the sub to handle, but can also lead to more serious problems, from hemorrhoids to anal fissures. Bondage that is too tight can cut off the circulation; pins-and-needles are one thing, but tissue death is another completely. Check often to make sure that your sub’s hands or other bound parts are not feeling numb or getting cold to the touch; that’s a tip-off that circulation is sluggish. If so, release the pressure and massage to restore circulation (this can happen with nipples, as well; sucking is a good way to restore blood flow).

DO: Ensure “aftercare”.

The BDSM experience can be very intense, and subs can sometimes “drop”, or have an adverse reaction of shame or depression afterward (sometimes not immediately afterward, so a dom might not realize there’s a problem). To stave this off, the dom should show care for the sub. Cuddling and chatting afterward helps transition back out of roleplay mode. And it ensures that a caring relationship does exist, especially if the BDSM session involved degradation or verbal abuse.

Abide by these rules faithfully, and you should be good to go. Enjoy!

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